Just Breathe
by CelticGirl8705
Summary: PostRENT songfic to Anna Nalick's Just Breathe, eventual MarkMimi. As her neardeath experience puts a new perspective on life for Mimi, she realizes that maybe Roger isn't the one for her, but telling him that would break his heart.


Hello readers! I'm trying my hand at a songfic for two reasons, number one because I've never written one, and number two because I have some great inspiration for it. It's Anna Nalick's song "Just Breathe," and even though I'd heard it a few times, a few days ago the lyrics seemed to fit a "Rent" story. After looking up the lyrics, some of them are actually just perfect for a "Rent" story. This was originally going to be a oneshot, but I had too many ideas for only one chapter, so it's gonna be a multi. It's in a few different people's perspectives, so I'll indicate changing perspectives with the character's name. I've also added some punctuation to the lyrics so that they fit my story.

Disclaimer: "Just Breathe" belongs to Anna Nalick and her people. Rent, of course, belongs to the late, great, Jonathan Larson.

xxxxx

_Maureen_

**2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,  
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,  
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.  
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes  
Like they have any right at all to criticize,  
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason.**

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table."  
"No one can find the rewind button girl,  
So cradle your head in your hands  
And breathe, just breathe,  
Woah breathe, just breathe."

She lay on the couch in her and Joanne's apartment, listening to the pitter-patter of the rain on the roof and the windows. Spring had finally come to New York after a long winter. An especially long winter for their little group of bohemians. Not only did they have to cope with Angel being gone, but they had nearly lost Mimi, and her health had never completely recovered from that fateful Christmas Eve. She had finally gotten clean at Roger and Mark's insistence, and that had been an uphill battle for everyone. Collins had officially moved back into the loft with Mark and Roger, but it seemed like he was never around. Angel's death had taken quite a toll on him, and he just wasn't the same anymore.

Maureen rolled over and stared at the clock. 1:57am. Sleep would not come to her tonight, so rather than toss and turn and keep Joanne up, she had moved to the couch.

The loud ringing of the phone knocked her out of her reverie. Normally she would screen just like the boys, but that loud ringing was bound to wake up Joanne, and calls at 2am were usually worth answering.

Maureen scrambled for the phone so that the second ring was not heard, and answered it with a breathy "Hello?"

A sniffle was heard on the other end, and for a moment Maureen feared the worst.

"Mo?" came the weak female voice. "It's me, Mimi."

"Oh God honey, what's wrong? Is it Roger?"

"No, well yes, but it's nothing like that." Another sniffle. "Mo, I don't know what to do."

Maureen let out the breath she didn't even realize she was holding. Everyone was alive, no one was being rushed to the hospital. "What happened? It's gotta be pretty important if you're calling at this hour." Ever since Mimi's near-death experience a few months before, when it was Maureen that found her in the park, the two had grown amazingly close.

"What?" Mimi sounded confused. "Oh God Maureen, I didn't even realize it was so late! I'm sorry, I probably woke you and Joanne up and-"

"I was still awake, it's okay," Maureen cut in. "So since we're both up and you obviously have something pretty major on your mind, let's talk."

A sigh. "I don't love him."

Maureen waited a moment for the rest of the sentence, or at least an explanation, but it didn't come. It was no use asking what Mimi meant, because it was plainly and painfully obvious: She wasn't in love with Roger.

"Oh, sweetie, when did this happen?"

"I don't really know. I've been thinking about it the past few nights, but there's more to it." Maureen could hear her take a deep breath and let it out before continuing. "The reason I don't love him anymore, is because…because I think I'm in love with Mark. And I don't know what to, I'm so afraid that telling Roger would destroy him, but I can't keep pretending like this. And Mark, he…well, no offense Mo, but he deserves something better than what he's had these past few years."

Maureen felt a twinge of regret in her stomach. Of course it was no secret that she had been Mark's first girlfriend in a long time, and it was no secret that she had cheated on him, multiple times, with both men and women, but she still cared deeply for the filmmaker. When she found out just how badly she had ended up hurting him, it hurt her a little too, to think that she did that to someone so sweet and caring.

"I know," Maureen replied softly.

"And I just couldn't help thinking that this all started when he ran off to Santa Fe. I felt like…maybe he was never coming back, and Mark was the one who would come downstairs and check on me, and Mark pushed me through rehab, and even though I didn't want to be in rehab and I relapsed, he did it anyway. And maybe I've just been pretending all winter to love Roger, when I don't…I always hated the winter, just like Roger hates the fall. And it just seems like so many things are making it worse…" Her sentence ended with a choked-off sob.

"Like what?"

"Well…I never told anyone this, but the first Life Support meeting we went to after I got better…I walked in with Roger, and everyone looked at me, and you could tell in their looks that they were judging me. That every one of them was cursing me for getting a second chance at life when I've screwed up so much of it already. Not like they're ones to talk either. And it keeps happening, every time we go, they just look at me with cold stares, and I just wanna shout that it's not my fault, and what did I do to deserve all this? And time just keeps flying forward, and next time I'm not gonna be so lucky, but I'm so scared of time running out."

"Oh baby-girl, you can't turn back the clock, you of all people should know that," Maureen began gently. "Forget the past. Learn from it, but don't let it get you down. Just cry it out, right now, and then take a deep breath and move on. And whatever happens, happens."

"But what about Roger? And Mark? I can't keep doing this, but I'm so afraid of hurting them."

"Meems, don't you worry about any of that tonight. Tomorrow is a new day, and we'll worry about it then. For now, just keep breathing, and don't concern yourself with any of this."

"Okay," Mimi sniffled. "Thanks for everything Mo, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Anytime sweetie, anytime. I love ya, now go get some sleep."

"Okay, bye Mo."

"Bye Meems."

xxxxx

_Mimi_

She heard the click on the other end, but just stayed frozen, cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder.

_Just breathe_.

She knew she shouldn't think about it, but she couldn't help but wonder how Mark felt. And how had she come to love the pale, scrawny filmmaker anyway? He used to be like a brother, but now when she looked at him, she saw how incredibly blue his eyes were, and how sometimes he wouldn't let himself smile, but a smile would be pulling at the corners of his mouth and he'd smile a little anyway. She loved his smile.

Mimi set the phone back on the receiver and stood up from the couch. Looming in front of her were two doors, neither of which she could bring herself to walk through tonight. One led to Roger, and although she'd walked through that door on many nights, to walk through it now would be acknowledging a lie and refusing to do anything about it. The other, which led to Mark, would comfort and allay her worries and fears, but to walk through it would undoubtedly kill the man behind the first door.

It was then that Mimi realized that there was no way of going through the second door without leaving a scar on the first. She had no justification for any of it except for her own selfishness, but that would have to be enough.

Turning from the two bedrooms in front of her, Mimi quietly made her way down to her apartment a floor below, having not slept there, or alone for that matter, in months. She cried herself to sleep with the knowledge that, when Roger woke up, she would have to explain her absence from his bed, and then there would be no turning back.

xxxxx

So, what did you think? Reviews are love, by the way, but you probably already know that. Just a friendly reminder.


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